textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize