That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
