we're chasing vodka with high fives
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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