I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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