Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
