He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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