i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
