I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
