OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
