laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
