Pants 0. Shit 1.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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