i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
