I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
