I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
