do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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