...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
