I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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