there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
