I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
