apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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