if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize