I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize