I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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