and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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