just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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