i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
