You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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