People in love make me want to vomit
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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