Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize