hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
