Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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