She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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