my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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