If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
