Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
