never play flip cup with pint glasses
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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