My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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