Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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