i jhust puked up my retainher.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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