I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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