Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
