what day is it and did you see me today?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
