Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
