Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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