Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
