i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
