I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
