if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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