Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
