I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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