just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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