those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
