hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
