i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
