theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
