So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
