Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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