How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
