I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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