so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
