you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize