My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
