I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
