i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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