My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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