god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
