you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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