Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
