Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
