he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
