I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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