I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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