My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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