then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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